“CRICKET, LOVELY CRICKET” – By Des Kelly & The Wit of Cricket



“CRICKET, LOVELY CRICKET” – By Des Kelly & The Wit of Cricket

With all the cricket going on, at the moment, there seems to be many “stories” in & around the wickets, that tend to entertain not only the lovers of the game, but also those who enjoy a bit of humour about it. This particular “series”, sent to me, for inclusion in eLanka, makes for light, enjoyable reading, something that will cause a smile, or an occasional chuckle, to cheer us up, even though the World Cup for 2019 will probably have to “sit tight” until 2023, by the look of it, for Sri Lanka, right now. 

     It doesn’t really matter. As I’ve always said, you win some and you lose some games.  Our Sri Lankan Cricketers always try their best, which is naturally expected of them. Provided that there is no political interference (something that ALL Cricket Authorities, everywhere, seem to be involved in nowadays), the Sri Lankan Cricket Team can only get better (with experience), as time goes by.

We have to remember that our team, led by Arjuna Ranatunga DID win the World Cup, a few years ago, and if I remember it, quite unexpectedly, but folks, this is what I call

                            “CRICKET, LOVELY CRICKET”

Desmond Kelly

  Desmond Kelly
(Editor-in-Chief).  eLanka.

The Wit of Cricket  

1) Over to the 1976 Test Match W.Indies vs England where Henry Blofeld is at the mic. “Welcome to the Oval, where the Bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey”!!

2) Derbyshire’s  Alan Ward hits NZ opener Glenn Turner a terrific blow on his “protective box” in the 5th ball of his first over.. After about 3 minutes a groggy Turner gets up and resumes batting. John Arlott says”Very plucky of Turner-he’s going on batting- one ball left!!”

3) Brian Johnston on Test Match Special “Fred Titmus is coming on to bowl and he has got two short legs- one of them square” One woman listener wrote in complaining “How rude of him to comment about another person’s disabilities”!!  On another occasion,he was talking about Ken Barrington who had made 111 by then “He’s batting very well now although he’s been a trifle lucky- he was dropped when 2”. Another woman complained “Mother’s should be more care about their babies!!”.

4) The first streaker was at Lords in 1975 and Alan Knott was the non-striker at the Nursery end When questioned “What was it like out there Knotty?”. He replied “It’s the first time I’ve seen two balls come down the pitch at the same time!!”.

5) On Male Streakers    “He ran on in his birthday suit”

                                        And he set all the ladies afire

                                        When he came to the stumps

                                        He misjudged his jumps

                                        And he now sings in the Luton Girls choir”

6) Tom Graveney on an Ashes Tour “Down Under” went to Sydney’s Red-light district in King’s Cross. He met a cute masseuse and asked how much for a massage. She repld “200 Dollars” “Oh! no, I can afford only 50″ & walked away. He then went window shopping and thereafter went to pick up his wife at the appointed time. They were walking back to their hotel when they came across this very same girl who shouted out” Oi, you cheapie, see what you got for 50″!! 

7) John Arlott ” There’s Neil Harvey standing at leg slip, with his legs apart-waiting for a tickle”!!

8) A saucy one about Brian Close (Ex Somerset & England). Close was ambidextrous and could bat & play golf with either hand equally well. When asked how he decided which hand to bat – he said “Oh! It’s quite easy- if my wife wakes up on her left side, I bat left-handed and if she wakes up on her right, I bat right handed”. “What if she wakes up on her back Closey?” “Oh! Then I ring up the grounds and say I will be an hour late”!!

9)  In 1989, Merv Hughes was bowling to Robin Smith – Smith had played and missed quite a few times. Hughes snarled “You can’t f—–g bat”. A few balls later , Smith hit him for three consecutive fours. Smith pointed out to Hughes “We make quite a pair don’t we ? I can’t f—–g  bat and you can’t f—–g” bowl”!!

10) The All time classic – Ian Botham walks out to bat and Rod Marsh the wicket keeper chirps out ” Morning Beefy, How’s your wife and MY kid?” Botham in typical fashion says ” Top of the morning to you Swampy – the wife’s ok but the kid is a bit retarded!!”.

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