“THE NAKED TRUTH” by Desmond Kelly ‘the Star of eLanka’

Thank you “Special Broadcasting Services”.

You are “Special”. In an age where comedy on television is as bleak as a cold Winters day, where the usual four-letter epithets HAVE to make an entry in order to obtain an inane “laugh”, where “jokes” are as dull as a rainy afternoon, where,—-never mind Des, just get down to your bloody story! !, ok, ok. (what an impatient lot, you are).

Anyway, speaking of a cold Winters day, reminds me of the “Doco”., I have just had the.privilege of watching on SBS. entitled “The Naked Village”. Granted, it was “shown” @ around 10pm & granted, I only watched it because there was nothing else to watch and my “sleep-pattern” is extremely erratic, I was happy that I did. This very funny documentary was filmed at a “Resort” near Albany, in England, featuring many “nameless” men & women, naive, or amusingily simple “naturists” running around and doing things, buck-naked (they call everyone who dresses-up, “textiles”).

I could well understand “resorts” like this in Sri Lanka. I have no doubts that THERE ARE resorts like this in “My Lovely Island Home (as I call her) & it is fully understandable that they have resorts like this, (why do I keep repeating myself? ), because the bloody weather over there suits resorts like the ” resort” in the Naked Village, thats why. Talking about Ceylon (in my time), I had a very good friend, now “resting peacefully” by the name of Denis Roberts. Both Den. & myself had one bad habit. If we saw something (anything) really funny on the road or at a theatre, Royal Ceylon Navy Barracks, or any-bloody-where else, both of us could NOT laugh like everybody else (standing up or sitting down), we had to roll around the floor, having convulsions, or to put it simply, FITS of laughter. I will never forget Denis because, last night I very nearly joined him again as I watched “The Naked Village”.

It was soooo funny, this “true story”. I would have enjoyed it in a different manner if ALL the nudists were young good-looking sorts (I am 81 but I ain’t dead yet), but MOST of them were probably 70 & over. “PENISAE”, there you are folks, being a qualified wordsmith, I believe this is a new word, preferable to “penises” I suppose, that hung limply, looking for all the world, like either short or long, gargantuan or miniscule worms, none had “risen to the occasion”(I wondered, why) , perhaps it was because it WAS England, after all or because the “breasts” of the old ladies were either non-existant, or could have been thrown back and used as “shoulder-warmers”.

By this time, I had almost fallen out of my armchair laughing (I was actually feeling like Adonis on the point of adonizing myself), when I could not help but notice one of the old womens’ nipples with a steel “nipplet” pierced through (I have to stop adding to the English language, ir’s difficult enough for Sri Lankans to learn, as it is), NIPPLET, my foot! . “Nipple-ring” may have been better, in this case.

This “show” went on for slightly more than an hour.

I was getting weaker by the.minute (laughing) and wondering how many more eLanka members had their eyes glued to the television (we have around 10.000 right now) & laughing is the best exercise to keep you younger, folks, exercises every muscle in your face & adds colour to your life, which reminds me that I must end this article with a colourful “finale”.

This resort at the Naked Village had a “swimming pool” & not much else to help recruit some new members who would be willing to take all their clothes off before diving into the pool, coming out & catching pneumonia, so what did they do? , well, the “Brains-trust” of the naked group decided to have a special day of “body-painting”. So, they got the tins of paint out, I almost “passed-out” as I watched these nudists paint each orher. With fingers & brushes they painted each other, laughing now, & enjoying themselves, with me hoping that there would be a sequel next week, showing how they got the paint OFF. Hope it wasn’t the Bristol Paints that “kept on keeping on” . “Faces, bodies, boobs & bums, phallasses, callousses, toe-nails & “tums”, they were nudist, now, they ain’t, their old bodies are streaked with colourful paint”. (D.K.).

The nudists of the Naked Village are hoping to induce a few “textiles” into joining them. I am nearly certain that there will be no Lankan/Pommies who will wish to avail themselves of the possibility of enhancing this group. It is England, after all, &, like Australia, Climate-Change in these two Countries seem nowadays to be encouraging the “cold weather” rather than the hot & “shrinkage” is pretty common in both Countries.

Desmond Kelly
Star of eLanka.