When a connection feels like home-by Sashi Perera
After Sashi Perera cancelled her destination wedding, she launched into her own “warped version of Eat Pray Love”, working for NGOs around the world. On returning to Australia she met her now husband who, six weeks in, asked her a simple question that changed the course of their relationship.
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In September 2018, I sat in a tastefully lit bar, fidgeting with my trendy cocktail glass.
I felt like a giant invisible slug was writhing round my insides.
Across the table was the man I’d been seeing for six weeks. Things were going well.
Unsettlingly well.
Given my dating history, this was the usual time to confirm that the object of my affections was deeply uninterested or had a partner or a court case pending against him.
In my experience there weren’t plenty more fish in the sea. The water was warming, the sea was polluted and filled with radioactive beasts.
This man had kind eyes and matching dimples that appeared when he was telling a funny story, which was often. We spent most nights together after work, alternating between the calm of his studio apartment and the chaos of my seven-person share house.
But there was no point in getting more attached. Even if he was a miraculous good fish, I was about to travel overseas for six weeks. I planned it before we met, as the light at the end of the tunnel of my Masters.
I was determined not to spend my well-earned holiday hoping he was still interested when I got back. We had avoided talking about my impending departure till this moment.
I said with all the cool I could muster, I’m totally OK if you see other people after I leave.
He made it simple
The cardinal sin in dating, as far as I could tell, was to expect too much too soon. Or to expect anything at all. I would be on the road between Botswana, Kenya and Tanzania. Given our brief period together, the different time zones and patchy reception I’d have in transit, I may as well be embarking on a five-year trip to Jupiter.
He said, Sashi — this is the most physically uncomfortable I’ve seen a person be in real life. Is that what you want?
I squirmed to try to keep the slug contained. I was horrified when it escaped out of my mouth to announce, No.
I expected a long awkward silence. But he said, Me neither. I’ll be at the airport when you get back.
He made it simple, to believe him.
He loved travel as much as I did and emphasised that I should enjoy my holiday without worrying about us.
But I don’t like leaving things to the universe — it’s so busy keeping all the planets spinning, how can anyone trust in it?
So I hid six letters around his apartment before I left. I wanted him to have something tangible in case he did worry.
Sashi Perera in Zanzibar during her time in Tanzania. (Supplied: Sashi Perera)
I’m an extremely anxious person but over the course of my trip, I never felt stressed about being out of touch. I never felt that I needed to check in, but I wanted to. I sent him voice notes whenever I could and he did the same.
Every Sunday I sent a note about where the next letter was hidden. My favourite voice notes to receive were the ones after he read them.
As the weeks went by, I fell deeper in love each time his voice travelled across the Indian Ocean.
I enjoyed every moment of my travels but the night the plane descended into Melbourne, I looked out the window at the dotted lights glowing in the darkness below and I felt such an impatience to see him.
I’d only lived in Melbourne for a year and a half but I felt a strong, rare certainty that here was home; the city and the man.
Charlie was waiting at the airport to pick me up, just as he said he would be. We’ve been “us” ever since.
Charlie and Sashi on a trip to Perth to meet Sashi’s family (Supplied: Sashi Perera)
Learning to cede ground
It’s not all been smooth sailing, what relationship is?
We moved in together shortly after I got back and wow was that a mistake. He missed the silence of his bachelor pad and I missed the noise of my party house.
We came from entirely different backgrounds and cultures, were fiercely independent and equally stubborn. It took us ages to learn how to cede ground in arguments that don’t matter. We’re still learning how to do that quicker each time.
In tandem, we navigated through the pandemic, the lockdowns, the deaths of family and friends, miscarriages, surgeries and IVF. It all happened in such quick succession.
Sometimes love is wandering around the depths of hell and still feeling grateful that it’s their hand you get to hold.
Sashi and Charlie “eloped” during COVID and had a celebration with family and friends three years later. (Supplied: Sashi Perera)
Almost eight years on, what remains the same is that Melbourne is home and I’m always impatient to see Charlie.
The feeling is consistent whether it’s after a week away doing shows or a short trip out of the house to run errands. Every time I pull into our driveway, I’m excited to walk through the door and share everything with him.
For me, that is always love.
