“Lexophiles Anonymous” by Des Kelly

“Lexophiles Anonymous” by Des Kelly

As I have written, many times before, the Queen’s English frequently produces inexplicable “reading matter” that boggle the mind, but, at the same time, thoroughly interest “Lexophiles Anonymous”.

Why do the British like using excess letters (for example ‘colour’ instead of ‘color’, ‘cheque’ instead of ‘check’, ‘analogue’ instead of ‘analog’, etc.)?.
It’s a big secret. People outside Britain aren’t generally informed of this, but in the interests of education, truth and beauty, let me explain this enigma to all the readers of eLanka in Australia, plus expatriots all over the Planet.

The English Language is not, technically, a language. It is difficult to define what it is, but the best description is that it is the absolute pinnacle of psychological warfare. I know that this sounds crazy, but, I AM crazy, so please hear me out.

You see, England kept being invaded and they couldn’t do a bloody thing about it. First the Romans, then the Angles and the Saxons and the Jutes, then the Vikings. Shocking, it was!. The last straw was the Normans; although they were Vikings, they lived in France. That was far too close for comfort.
Just imagine it!, England invaded by the French? ,

unbloodythinkable!. Please remember folks, I am writing this now, as a dinkum Lankan/Aussie.

How could the British fight back all these invasions? , well, let me tell you. This was a truly wonderful idea. They decided to invent a language so confusing, so utterly, incomprehensibly, unimaginably, PAINFULLY bloody stupid that it would melt the brain of literally everyone in the world who was a “native” speaker of a SENSIBLE Language, and so, they got started.

That is why “kinght” is spelt with a “K”. Do we pronounce the “K” ?, no bloody way!. Why is gnome spelt with a “G”?, simply because it shouldn’t be spelt with a “G”. That’s the beauty of it, don’t you see? .

Try not to be too confused just yet anyway. “silent letters” were the start of it, and I’m not even counting the magic “E” we stuck on half the words, just to confuse things a bit more. We haven’t got the “tim” to get into that–oops, haven’t got the “time”.

Why do we spell “doughnut” the way we do, only to not actually pronounce 3/8ths of the letters? ,why have we lied?, well, just to see foreigners basically go cock-eyed, get it?.

The plural of tooth is teeth, and the plural of foot is feet. Also, the plural of goose is geese, so why is “sheep” only in the singular?, why not “one shoop, two sheep”? . What is the plural of “moose”?, I have heard of “mooses” , but never “meese”!, but we’re not finished yet.

Why do you “wind” a clock, but feel the “wind” , both spelt the same, when they sound so different. Why does “wind” rhyme with “binned” , when “binned” is only the “past-tense” of “bin”?. Why do the letters “ough”sound exactly the same in “tough” and “enough” but entirely different in “though” & “thought” & “bough”?. In the words of the men who invented English, because, to be quite blunt about it, they were simply saying ” get stuffed, all of you”.
The above article is the continuation of an earlier article of mine, on the same subject. Hoping my readers will be able to “google” that one, but still enjoy this, complete with the relevant music clip. More of “Lexophillia” still to come on eLanka, so please join us, folks. Your “donation” will help to keep eLanka “sailing on” so to speak, because, interesting though the “reading” may be, nothing can run on “love & fresh air”. Membership in eLanka is “gratis”. Ours is a superb website that is already a trophy winner, so please join more than 20.000 of us to make eLanka a “household word” that every true Lankan/Aussie will be very proud of.

Desmond Kelly,
Star of eLanka


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