-If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

-I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

-Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

-Take my advice I’m not using it.

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

-I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.

-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

-When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-He who laughs last thinks slowest.

-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

-I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

-If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

-If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

-Money is the root of all wealth.

-No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.