“A HOLE IN ONE” by Des Kelly

Allan was a man of rare wisdom and compassion, who passed away suddenly & unexpectedly after an accident.

To explain this a bit further, “suddenly” was very slightly stretched out, “unexpectedly”, was under-done, and the “accident” was one, “waiting to happen”.

The wisdom & compassion of this man was evident in the note-book, lying beside him, in their “Retirement Village” bungalow, as Allan was a happily married man whose lady Carol, was his only “trouble & strife”. The “note-book contained some “good advice” from Allan.

It is most important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes much harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. They also start to look uglier, bedraggled & tired.

When you notice this, try your best not to yell at them.

Some are terribly over-sensitive, and there is nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman. Let me now relate how I managed this situation with my wife, Carol.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time one, both for extra income & for the health benefits that we needed. Also, our Retirement Village, Aveo, kept putting up our rates, as they say that they had to do, to pay for the gardeners to sweep a couple of pebbles away from our garden-paths & if not, visitors might trip, fall down, and need “hip-replacements”. Extra funds were therefore needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed that she was beginning to show her age!. You see, I usually get home from the golf-club, about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows quite well, how hungry I am, she almost always says that she is tired and has to rest for about half an hour, before she starts making dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me up when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch each day in the Mens’ Grill, at the golf club, so “eating-out” is not an option, in the evening. In fact, I am ready for some good old “home-cooking”when I hit that door!. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now, it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can, by diplomatically reminding her several times, that they won’t clean themselves. I know that she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. There, she falls asleep, almost at once. Sex is out of the question. Necrophilia has never appealed to me.

Another symptom of ageing is “constant complaining”

For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills & buy some groceries during her lunch break, but guys, you know that we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.

I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch, now & then, wouldn’t hurt her at all, in fact, it would help to get some of the belly-fat she has acquired (you know what I mean). I like to think that tact is one of my strong points.

When doing even simple jobs, she seems to think that she needs more rest periods. She pants & gasps when she is taking out the garbage , but I try not to make a scene. I am a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade, and just sit for a while, but as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well, make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a Saint, in the way I support Carol. I’m not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult, some will even find it impossible. Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they grow older However, guys, even if you use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife, because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this Earth to help each other.

The “note” of the “Editor-in-Chief”, plus the “Star of eLanka” states that,

Allan died suddenly, on the 29th of February, 2018, of a perforated rectum. The Cranbourne Police report says that he was found with a Calloway “extra-long” 50 inch Big-Bertha Driver ll golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of “grip” showing, a sledge hammer lying nearby.

Homicide was suspected.

His wife, Carol was arrested & charged with murder.

However, the all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her “not guilty”, accepting her defence that her husband had, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

The verdict ?, “A HOLE IN ONE” (so to speak).

“I rest my case”