“BURGHER BUGGERS” Drinking Whisky by Desmond Kelly ‘the Star of eLanka’

     Doubtless, most of us will probably remember the little “Lansi-Limerick” (above), I certainly do, although most of us could not afford to drink the bloody stuff and had to- make–do with “Kassippu & Arracku”(even “Mendis-Special” was too expensive for us), and unfortunately, I did not know Prasanna at the time. I met my good friend Prasanna Mendis in Melbourne, fairly late in the piece, and, by this time, we were only drinking Ceylon Tea. Please NOTICE, that, while “She” became “Shri Lanka”(the resplendant Isle), in 1972/3, “Ceylon Tea” has remained, and always will remain, the very BEST tea in the World. Forget tea from anywhere else, and forget the “Brands”, ANY Ceylon-Tea, grown on the beautiful highland tea-estates, especially, would have to be the BEST non-intoxicating “brew”on the Planet. 

     Stop digressing Des, & get down to the bloody story.

O.K., O.K., stop getting your “amudey” in a knot, & I will.

As we get-off the subject of tea, & get-on to the “more- spirited” drinks, one of the “favourites” was Whisky.

It was indeed a good drink if one wanted to be “frisky”later. This depended of course, on how the “drinker”could take his/her liquor. If you “went to sleep” after one or two drinks, or if you were constantly with your head in the toilet-bowl, then, there was no hope of coitus, or anything else, for that matter, as a matter of fact, it was HOPELESS. Maybe, a Gin & Tonic might have been better. Anyway, again, it all depended on the particular “Whisky” you drank, and being someone with a tiny bit of expertise on the subject, here is a list on which you could easily get “pis-oops, intoxicated”

1.  Glenfiddich, is the World’s best-selling Malt.

2. Johnnie Walker (Red Label), is the World’s best Scotch.
3.  The famous “Grouse”is the best-sellung whisky in Scot- land.
4.  Glenmorangie is the best-selling single Malt in Scot land.

5.  The World’s fastest-growing Scotch today is known as  “Black-Dog”. India is a major contributor to it’s sales.

6.  The five most popular single Malts globally, are :-

       Glenfiddich, Glenlivet, Glenmorangie, Aberlour (Orig.), & Laphroaig.

7.  Bruichladdich’s “The Octomore” is the most heavily “peated” whisky in the World. (167ppm), needs to be  “repeated”-(167ppm), very late in the evening perhaps.

8.  The three “oldest” single malts currently being sold, are  Glenturret, Oban & Glenlivet. 

9.  The “oldest” Distillery in Scotland is Glenturret (1775),  followed by Bowmore (1779)& I thought I was “old”!!

10. With each bottle of Laphroaig you buy, you are entitled  to a lifetime-lease of 1 square foot of the Distillery’s  Land, along with a personalized certificate of ownership

11. Cadenhead’s whisky shop on Canongate has a unique “selling-point”. Customers can have a bottle poured. Straight from a cask & labelled with their name. When sealed, it has a label with a “born-on” date, as Whisky.  Stops “ageing”, as soon as it leaves the barrel, which means that then, each bottle has it’s unique “blend”.

12. Edradour is the smallest distillery in Scotland. The entire “operation is run by just three people. 

13. The Glenmorangie is one of the smallest distillerys in the Highlands & employs just sixteen craftsmen, called  “The sixteen men of Tain”(who’ll never be sober again).

14. The most “expensive” Country, in which to buy Scotch, is Ironically the U.K.(where it is made). 

15. In the U.K., it’s Home-Country, the five most popular Blended Scotch Whiskies are :- The famous Grouse,  William Grant’s, Bell’s, Teacher’s & J&B Rare. Note, Johnnie Walker does NOT feature in the list of best-   selling blends in it’s “home-Country”.

16. A “closed” bottle of Scotch can be “kept” for 100 years  and still be good to drink. However, an “opened” bottle will remain “good” for five years only. Who are we kidding here ?, I have never heard of a bottle of Scotch “going-off”. In certain “Burgher-homes”, it would be a  miracle if an opened bottle of Scotch lasted 5 HOURS.

17. The Australian Wine Research Institute has introduced  a “measure” called a “Standard Drink”. It is supposed to  contain 10g (12.67ml) of alcohol, the amount that an     average adult male can metabolize in one hour.

18. Although their “proof” differs, standard drinks of beer,  wine & spirits contain the same amount of alcohol– (0.6 ounces, each). They are all the same, however, to  A breath-Analyser.

19. 18.000 litres of Scotch Whisky, worth about 800.000 Dollars were accidentally flushed down the drain at  Chivas Brothers’ Dumbarton bottling Plant in 2013. Talk about a bad year (2013), the “Brothers'”, were not  only “dumb”, they were “dumbfounded, dumbstruck &  benumbed, & will never ever forget that one.

20. Experts advise you to drink “single Malt” with just a single “dash of water”. The water supposedly helps to  “release the serpent ” from the whisky. If you have two,  have 2 dashes of water. After that, you will be forgiven if you forget the water altogether. Just as it got Eve, the Serpent will get you, but who cares ?!!!.

21. For, if there IS a serpent, there is also an Angel. As it ages, 2-2 & a half% of the whisky manufacturing in a barrel is list to evaporation every year. Distillers refer to this as the “Angels’ share”., but don’t be disappointed.

22. There is also a “Devil”. Whisky absorbed into the wood of a whisky barrel during maturation is known as the “Devil’s Cut”.

23. We have been talking about a variety of whisky, but, I am definitely NOT a “Racist”, I have to tell you that INDIA  makes Whisky too, BUT Indian Whisky is technically

      “flavoured Rum, because it is essentially made from sugar. They are “sweet people”, these Indians,  and I’m not talking about the ones who keep their wigs-warm.

24. As I have said (and written), so many times, READING is a total education, on it’s own. Please do become a treasured member of eLanka, read what I write and do make your “comments”good or bad, it doesn’t really matter. I “live & learn” & now have taught you a few things about Whisky, English, Scottish & Indian.

25. Finally, if anyone is thinking of swapping Tea-making for Whisky-making in Sri Lanka, please let me know, so I can do some “promotion-blurb” for them on eLanka. Thank 

      you, very much, in anticipation. 

                                                                       Desmond Kelly

                                                                       Star of eLanka.