“BURGHER BUGGERS” Drinking Whisky by Desmond Kelly ‘the Star of eLanka’

     Doubtless, most of us will probably remember the little “Lansi-Limerick” (above), I certainly do, although most of us could not afford to drink the bloody stuff and had to- make–do with “Kassippu & Arracku”(even “Mendis-Special” was too expensive for us), and unfortunately, I did not know Prasanna at the time. I met my good friend Prasanna Mendis in Melbourne, fairly late in the piece, and, by this time, we were only drinking Ceylon Tea. Please NOTICE, that, while “She” became “Shri Lanka”(the resplendant Isle), in 1972/3, “Ceylon Tea” has remained, and always will remain, the very BEST tea in the World. Forget tea from anywhere else, and forget the “Brands”, ANY Ceylon-Tea, grown on the beautiful highland tea-estates, especially, would have to be the BEST non-intoxicating “brew”on the Planet. 

     Stop digressing Des, & get down to the bloody story.

O.K., O.K., stop getting your “amudey” in a knot, & I will.

As we get-off the subject of tea, & get-on to the “more- spirited” drinks, one of the “favourites” was Whisky.

It was indeed a good drink if one wanted to be “frisky”later. This depended of course, on how the “drinker”could take his/her liquor. If you “went to sleep” after one or two drinks, or if you were constantly with your head in the toilet-bowl, then, there was no hope of coitus, or anything else, for that matter, as a matter of fact, it was HOPELESS. Maybe, a Gin & Tonic might have been better. Anyway, again, it all depended on the particular “Whisky” you drank, and being someone with a tiny bit of expertise on the subject, here is a list on which you could easily get “pis-oops, intoxicated”

  1.  Glenfiddich, is the World’s best-selling Malt.

  2. Johnnie Walker (Red Label), is the World’s best Scotch.
  3.  The famous “Grouse”is the best-sellung whisky in Scot- land.
  4.  Glenmorangie is the best-selling single Malt in Scot land.
  1.  The World’s fastest-growing Scotch today is known as  “Black-Dog”. India is a major contributor to it’s sales.
  1.  The five most popular single Malts globally, are :-

       Glenfiddich, Glenlivet, Glenmorangie, Aberlour (Orig.), & Laphroaig.

  1.  Bruichladdich’s “The Octomore” is the most heavily “peated” whisky in the World. (167ppm), needs to be  “repeated”-(167ppm), very late in the evening perhaps.
  1.  The three “oldest” single malts currently being sold, are  Glenturret, Oban & Glenlivet. 
  1.  The “oldest” Distillery in Scotland is Glenturret (1775),  followed by Bowmore (1779)& I thought I was “old”!!
  1. With each bottle of Laphroaig you buy, you are entitled  to a lifetime-lease of 1 square foot of the Distillery’s  Land, along with a personalized certificate of ownership
  1. Cadenhead’s whisky shop on Canongate has a unique “selling-point”. Customers can have a bottle poured. Straight from a cask & labelled with their name. When sealed, it has a label with a “born-on” date, as Whisky.  Stops “ageing”, as soon as it leaves the barrel, which means that then, each bottle has it’s unique “blend”.
  1. Edradour is the smallest distillery in Scotland. The entire “operation is run by just three people. 
  1. The Glenmorangie is one of the smallest distillerys in the Highlands & employs just sixteen craftsmen, called  “The sixteen men of Tain”(who’ll never be sober again).
  1. The most “expensive” Country, in which to buy Scotch, is Ironically the U.K.(where it is made). 
  1. In the U.K., it’s Home-Country, the five most popular Blended Scotch Whiskies are :- The famous Grouse,  William Grant’s, Bell’s, Teacher’s & J&B Rare. Note, Johnnie Walker does NOT feature in the list of best-   selling blends in it’s “home-Country”.
  1. A “closed” bottle of Scotch can be “kept” for 100 years  and still be good to drink. However, an “opened” bottle will remain “good” for five years only. Who are we kidding here ?, I have never heard of a bottle of Scotch “going-off”. In certain “Burgher-homes”, it would be a  miracle if an opened bottle of Scotch lasted 5 HOURS.
  1. The Australian Wine Research Institute has introduced  a “measure” called a “Standard Drink”. It is supposed to  contain 10g (12.67ml) of alcohol, the amount that an     average adult male can metabolize in one hour.
  1. Although their “proof” differs, standard drinks of beer,  wine & spirits contain the same amount of alcohol– (0.6 ounces, each). They are all the same, however, to  A breath-Analyser.
  1. 18.000 litres of Scotch Whisky, worth about 800.000 Dollars were accidentally flushed down the drain at  Chivas Brothers’ Dumbarton bottling Plant in 2013. Talk about a bad year (2013), the “Brothers'”, were not  only “dumb”, they were “dumbfounded, dumbstruck &  benumbed, & will never ever forget that one.
  1. Experts advise you to drink “single Malt” with just a single “dash of water”. The water supposedly helps to  “release the serpent ” from the whisky. If you have two,  have 2 dashes of water. After that, you will be forgiven if you forget the water altogether. Just as it got Eve, the Serpent will get you, but who cares ?!!!.
  1. For, if there IS a serpent, there is also an Angel. As it ages, 2-2 & a half% of the whisky manufacturing in a barrel is list to evaporation every year. Distillers refer to this as the “Angels’ share”., but don’t be disappointed.
  1. There is also a “Devil”. Whisky absorbed into the wood of a whisky barrel during maturation is known as the “Devil’s Cut”.
  1. We have been talking about a variety of whisky, but, I am definitely NOT a “Racist”, I have to tell you that INDIA  makes Whisky too, BUT Indian Whisky is technically

      “flavoured Rum, because it is essentially made from sugar. They are “sweet people”, these Indians,  and I’m not talking about the ones who keep their wigs-warm.

  1. As I have said (and written), so many times, READING is a total education, on it’s own. Please do become a treasured member of eLanka, read what I write and do make your “comments”good or bad, it doesn’t really matter. I “live & learn” & now have taught you a few things about Whisky, English, Scottish & Indian.
  1. Finally, if anyone is thinking of swapping Tea-making for Whisky-making in Sri Lanka, please let me know, so I can do some “promotion-blurb” for them on eLanka. Thank 

      you, very much, in anticipation. 

                                                                       Desmond Kelly

                                                                       Star of eLanka.


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“UP, AUNTY A.B.C.” by Desmond Kelly ‘the Star of eLanka’

By Source, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=29774804

     A shining example, folks. “The King’s Speech”, an excellent movie, already seen by this writer, but so good, that I wanted to watch it again, & even “rang-up” a few friends to  commend it to them, only to be disappointed and disgusted with the fact that this great film, featuring, among others, a superb Aussie Actor in Geoffrey Rush as speech therapist Lionel Logue (teaching our Queen’s late father, King George Vl, not to stammer so much), contained MORE commercials than the film itself. 

     Channel 72, in Melbourne (we could have done without the figure 7 in the above number), must certainly get a “hand’s up” for choosing some superb movies, and I commend them for it, BUT, to include this multitude of “commercials”(I reckon there must have been at least 50 of them), to completely SPOIL it for the viewers, was a downright disgrace. The film was shown @ 8.35 pm on the 26th of December, 2017 (boxing day), and, this is why, Jim & Shan., two avid readers of our 🏅eLanka website, I would STILL give “Aunty A.B.C.” the “thumb’s-up”. There is no political “motive” for my preferance of the A.B.C.

     I have said (& written) many times, that my “Political-knowledge”is next to NIL. My “I.Q” is slightly above normal, I have “been there” & chances are, “done that”, but politics do not interest me. Why, would ANYONE want to become a “Politician”?, They seem to grow older, much quicker, as I watch them on the “box”(even with all the “ads” thrown in).

BUT, “Tune in, Shan., & Jim”, I have to be “liberal” with my comments, I “labour” with the fact that “labor” has an American spelling, it is a nationally known fact that the “Nationals” are in, only to keep the other bastards honest, the “Greens” are the only “greenery” surrounding the other “multiple parties”, the “Browns & Blacks” are simply good old English couples, living in London, “One Nation” means 

Australians only, the “Independants” often depend on each other to be Independent, &, without going into the abyss any deeper, if only I was about 40 years younger, I would certainly have  joined the “Sex”Party, if only to find out what it was all about.This would probably be the sum total of my political nous. However, one last “BUT” Jim and Shan.

Like it, or not, our’s is a Political Life. This Country, like every other, has to have SOMEONE to “run it” We “ELECT” them.

The A.B.C. & the present Government have their differences but that is their business. As for writing these stories and watching television, I much prefer “Aunty” only because they do not have any commercials. My friends & i could have watched The King’s Speech without being frustrated. King George shouted his 4 letter epithet many times in a particular “scene”, that was because he kept stammering thru it. I do not stammer, but I shouted the word that made our Aussie television producers take “KING” Graham Kennedy off the bloody air, MANY times, thru that movie.

Anyway, thank you Jim & Shan for your contributions to eLanka. Please read us regularly and make your comments.

I do enjoy them.  Please remember, all our dear readers. If political articles are published on-line, in eLanka, we will ensure that they are authentic. Mine, are written from a completely different angle, because, as a “political journalist”, I make a good comedic writer.



                                                                            Desmond Kelly.

                                                                            Star of eLanka.

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“OLD CEYLON” The resplendent Isle. Part 2 – by Desmond Kelly ‘Star of eLanka’

To “carry on” from the beautiful photographs of old Ceylon, featured on the award-winning “eLanka” website that I am so very proud of, as recently as the week, past, I am now happy to bring “our readers” the above, also, now featuring my Original Composition,  “Ceylon, my Island of dreams”, from the “Ultimate DVD”, also featured on eLanka, which is available for you good readers out there, TOTAL benefits going to a little Convent in Tangalle, Lanka, aptly named “Kuda-Kusum” (little flowers), orphan-girls who are totally reliant on our help, in order to survive. I was more than happy to do this, through eLanka & especially Michael Fernandez of the “Lanka-Times” of which I remain the Editor.

This particular “article” on-line, gives readers more insight on the Country that we were born in, only to reluctantly have to “leave”, because of stupid Government Regulations brought in, so many years ago. I do not intend to elaborate on what these “people in high places” do, when they are not twiddling their thumbs in Parliaments (everywhere), suffice to say, that in most cases, they cause chaos, rather than compassion, however, the previous article (+ photographs) featured  “Colombo”, while, hopefully, I will be able to also “cover” Kandy & the mid-Country, followed by Nuwara Eliya, Haputale, and the lavish,

breath-taking, high-Country.

One cannot even begin to imagine the beauty of a Country so very small. True, Australia is magnificent as well, but many Aussie Farmers are forced to use aircraft just to circumnavigate their properties. I fear that I am getting off the beaten track here, but, a special plea to our Lankan Aussies, everywhere. Do purchase a copy of my DVD, & rest assured that every penny spent, will end up for the “Kuda-Kusum” in Sri Lanka. They need it, far more than we do.

eLanka sits 16 rungs “up” on the “trophy” list. Neil Jayasekera, Bernard VanCuylenberg & self, wish to reach the very apex of this “list”, but it takes all of you other Lankan “Guys & Dolls”to help us put “Lanka” on the map”, so to speak. Thank you, for that.

Desmond Kelly

Star of eLanka

(Editor-in- Chief).



To “carry-on” from part 1 (which is the natural thing to do), the primitive history of “our home-land” is enveloped in fable, yet, there is perhaps NO Country in tha World that has such a long continuous history and civilization. It is “believed” that Ceylon was part of the region of “Ophir” & “Tarshish”, from which King Solomon was supplied with gold & silver, ivory, apes & even peacocks(&hens,of course). Leads me to wonder what species of “apes” they were, because nothing has changed.!

To the ancient Greeks & Romans, (here comes that name again), it was known as “Taprobane”, by which name it was described by lumineries such as Ovid, Pliny, Ptolemny, & others. To the inhabitants of India, it was known, centuries before the Christian era, as Lanka (so what’s new? ). This is where the term “respledent” comes from, I guess. The name is still borne among the native Sinhalese & Tamil people.

Strangely, even then, in ancient times, the Chinese referred to Ceylon as the Island of jewels. To the Indian Buddhists, it was known as the “Pearl upon the brow of India”. These Indian Buddhists must have been doing “yoga” & standing on their heads, because, I have always believed that the “brow” was the forehead & that Ceylon was the “teardrop” at the bottom of India. Anyway, I may be wrong here, because I have never studied yoga.
The geology & fauna of Ceylon, point clearly to a time when it was part of the Oriental Continent, which stretched in unbroken land from Madagascar to the Malay Archipelago & northwards to the present valley if the Ganges river.

The “traditions” respecting the Island are many. “Samantakuta” (Adams Peak), is venerated in three different religons. The Buddhists believe that all FOUR BUDDHAS visited Ceylon and instructed it’s Inhabitanrs, and that Gautama Buddha left his footprint
on Adams Peak as an undying memorial of his third & last “visit”, about 600 BC. The Hindus claim the footprint as that of Siva, the most powerful of the Hindu Gods. The Muslims, perpetuating a tradition of the early Christians are equally positive that it is indeed the footprint of Adam & also that Ceylon was indeed, the “cradle” of the Human Race.

The story goes that when Adam was ejected from Paradise (which was the low-Country of Ceylon), it must have been a pretty powerful “kick” from an angry God, because he (Adam), landed on TOP of ‘his peak”, left standing on one leg, for many years, for simply disobeying God & eating a bite of rotten apple, as handed to him by his wife Eve ( how SHE escaped, I’ll never know), but because Adam was left standing for so long, his foot left an immense footprint, until Angel Gabriel, took pity on him & reunited him with Eve, for them, in turn, to beget Cain & Abel, but that is another story.

The earliest known & perhaps the FIRST inhabitants of Ceylon were the “Nagas”& the “Yakkhas”, believe it ir not. The Nagas were not too bad, but the yakkhas, well, they were devils then & probably now, EVEN.

The “Yakkhas” were the forebears of the Veddhas.

From the neolithic stone implements found in the ca caves the Veddhas inhabited, they must have been, I suppose, the earliest human beings, coming after old Solomon’s “Apes”.

Although there are no definite demarkation lines, the history of Ceylon can be devided into five (5) separate periods. The “MAHAVANSA” period. The first historical event recorded in the “Chronicles” was the invasion of Ceylon in 483 BC, by Sinhalese, under the leadership of Vijaya, grandson of a Bengal Princess & SINHAYA (Lion). By treacherously murdering TWO of the “Yakkha” Kings, then ruling the Island, & all their nobility, Vijaya gained ascendency over part of the Island, and soon, all the “Chieftains” of Lanka accepted his Sovereignty.

To finish this “chapter”, although World Cricket has nothing whatsoever to do wirh it, the fact that Vijaya’s Grandfather, who was, in fact, a LION, bowled this Bengal Maiden Over & folks, that is why, to this day, the Sinhalese are known as the “Lion Race”.

Chapter 3 to follow.

Desmond Kelly – Star of eLanka.

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“A SAD CHAOSMAS” – By Desmond Kelly ‘the Star of eLanka’

A happy Christmas, for most of us, a sad chaosmas for those unlucky folk, run down by a lunatic in Melbourne Town, very recently. While I do not particularly want this article “on-line”, via eLanka, simply because it’s just another “bad-news” one, (God knows we have had too many, in 2017 anyway), however, why this happened, how it happened, & how it could be possibly be “stopped” from happening, at all, starting next year, is my reason for writing this one.

      I has to be quite obvious that the latest W.O.D.(weapon of destruction) is the common motor vehicle. This seems to be the easiest, most convenient way for any “nut-case” to carry out his/her evil plans of killing people. A “vehicle”, so commonly seen by so many, on our roads every single day, would be something least expected to suddenly become a W.O.D., the reason why it happened, is also very simple to understand. While Australia is “moving progressively ahead” in “”Medical-Matters”, the Country is sadly lacking in “Mental Capability. Australia LEADS in research of diseases like lung cancer, & various other bodily mal-functions. They have the most up-to-date hospitals which are World famous, BUT, mental dysfunction is STILL very much ignored.

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“ON-LINE WITH LATE-LINE” By Desmond Kelly ‘the Star of eLanka’

“Aunty A.B.C.”, the ONLY T.V.Channel one can watch without the annoying interruption of “silly-ads”, every two minutes, has always been, as far as many Lankan-Aussies (myself included), the very BEST T.V.  on offer, in Melbourne, anyway. Naturally, I cannot speak for our “viewers” in the other States in this sun-burnt Land, but I have always opted for the A.B.C. because of it’s straight-forward approach to what is sometimes quite inapproachable “subjects” without fear or favour, which is “the way to go”. Unfortunately, now, in the topsy-turvy World that we live in, Politics play a major part in decisions that are sometimes difficult to comprehend. The Channel 2 “Four Corners” has been in the “gun-sight” of the Federal Government for a while, now, simply because this t.v. programme tells it like it is. “Aunty” will take a “story”, good, bad, happy or sad and “screen it” for those who wouldn’t have a chance in hell, of seeing it on any of the commercial channels. I have always admired this “no holds barred” attitude, of the A.B.C.., & hope 4 Corners, together with it’s ” no-nonsense” Cast & Crew keep their jobs for a long long time. They deserve it.

     “On-line with Late-line” is self-explanatory. For reasons known only to themselves, “Late-line” Producers have “pulled the plug”(I have to stop using these phrases, however good they are), on a “Programme” that would certainly have been watched both on-line, by Lankan/Aussies everywhere, even though,  as “late-line” , it was “on-late”(now, I’m even getting confused, myself). However, “Late-Line” is no more. How do you replace a superb show?. This is what I’d like to know. From here, where do we go? ( I will have to stop being poetic on “serious-subjects”).

     Now, getting really serious about a top-class t.v. programme, first started on the 13th of February 1990, (13 has always been an unlucky number, while I have never been superstitious), covering both National and International events of interest to people with even half a brain ( no Lankan/Aussies or Aussies in that lot).

Some of us have no brains at all, & whoever is taking “late-line” “off-air” , certainly need their brains “looked-into”, as 28 years of thoroughly interesting investigative journalism, brought to us by superb  “Characters” such as Maxine McKew, Kerry O’Brien, Leigh Sales & finally Emma Albericie, every one of them “top-journos” , in my opinion, comes to a sad end.

     I have said (&written), many times that I am, by no means, a politician. I do not know anything about politics, don’t want to know anything about it either, but still UNDERSTAND that there must be utter transparency with any incumbant Australian Government. There are “stories” that have to be told.

These may NOT reflect too well with the “big boys”, but as long as our Journalists substanciate what they are “reporting”, these stories, sometimes “covered” with risk to their own lives, MUST be permitted on-air, be.it Radio or Television. It is only then, dear Sirs, that people such as this writer will think, yes, our Government is telling us the truth. Lets vote them in, next time.

     “Aunty A.B.C.” has been giving us quite a lot of excellent viewing. Candidly, I cannot find fault with ANY of their journalists & producers. If I did, my eLanka readers would be the first to know about it.

Let us leave it at that. I would be extremely happy to see “Late-Line” back on our screens sooner rather than later, and to keep in with my style of writing, let me close with “OTHERWISE” it might just be “Too late for regrets”(another Original song of mine, written under totally different circumstances).

          Farewell Late-Line, you’ve been good,
          Like Errol Flynn, in Robin-Hood
          Let’s not try to make a fuss,
          Soon, you might be back with us. (hopefully).



Desmond Kelly
Star of eLanka.

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CHRISTMAS-DAY – by Desmond Kelly ‘the Star of eLanka’

Yes, it isn’t too far away, another Christmas day, Have you bought all your presents ?, well, don’t delay, Next year, in July, also possibly May, Don’t forget your “shopping” for Christmas day. D.K.

While I do believe in Christmas, with all it’s trimmings, it is quite possible that Jesus Christ was NOT born on the 25th of December, of that year. History leads us to believe that while shepherds watched their flock by night, all seated on the ground, it would have then been much too cold, with too much snow around.
. It would have been the height of Winter, in December, and while the shepherds may have been illitrate, they would not have been fools. All “stock” would have been “under-cover”, their shepherds, with them.

I am also “informed” that Christmas was a part of some pagan festival, and do know that before the Christ-Child came into this World, pagan customs, icons, heretics, sceptics & many more varieties of “ticks” ruled the Earth.

There were “lunatics” as well, loony-bins like King Herod.

I have this recollection of reading somewhere that Jesus was actually born at the end of September. This “presents” our shopkeepers with ANOTHER month in which to enjoy Christmas, so this, then, gives us May, July, September & December.!! WOW, “Aiyoh”, “Heavens to Betsy” & all that stuff, 4 whole Christmases to celebrate, more money to spread around & more ‘kisses” under the “Mistletoe” just inside the front door.

In 2017, our hard-working Government, is taking a well-earned “break”, before coming back next year to find out whether in fact, there are ANY MEMBERS OF PARLIMENT at all, who only possess an AUSTRALIAN CITIZENSHIP. So it IS in the Constitution. Who bloody cares ?, no-one whom I know, anyway, has read the bloody thing. If, after the next election, there is a new Government, “BE NEW” ! , tear up this silly archaic “Constitution”, write up a new one and let Aussies in, who will “run” the bloody Country the way it should be “run”, for the people. Get your priorities in order. Permit the “poorer” to get a bit “wealthier”, tax, to the maximum, those who can afford affluent Accountants who can “assist” in the “evasion” of tax. Build completely new structures of “affordable-housing” for the average Aussie, who, at this moment, cannot afford to rent a decent home, let alone, buy one. Don’t stand there in Parliment, week after week, arguing the toss over purely puerile matters, make it a little more interesting for Aussies who want to keep talking “Orstralian-English” into the future, and not “Chinese”, although that is a fine old language if you can understand it.

The “same-sex” marriage bill has been passed. That is o.k. for the modern World, but my plea to the papparatzi (or whatever they are called), is, with EACH homosexual marriage ceremony you show us, on television, would you please also film a heterosexual one, so we, who are depressed (not gay), BECOME gay, after watching it.
It was also quite “funny” to see the President of the USA walk serenely to the “wailing-wall”, wearing what looked like half a black “bra”, on his blonde-head, stand there, at the wall, feel parts of it with his bare hands, and all I could think about was what indeed, he was thinking. “My God”!, if I could build “my wall” half as big, tall & strong, I could keep all Mexicans out of our Country. God bless America. Then he went and made Jerusalem the Capital of Israel. Benjamin Netanyahu went “YAHOO” but Mohmud Abbas was “AGHAST” at the idea. What a World we are living in, at the moment.

Before I finish, let me wish everyone of our readers, a very happy Christmas (in December), may all your troubles be little ones, like Santa’s elves, may your individual shadows never grow less, join us on eLanka & before they get into it, next year, God save our gracious Queen, just think how great she’s been, God, save the Queen.





Desmond Kelly
Star of eLanka.

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WITH YOU. WITHOUT YOU – by Desmond Kelly ‘the Star of eLanka’

    Oba ekka, oba nathuwa, (with you, without you), OR, the other way around, as far as this “title” was concerned, was a video-movie, made in Sri Lanka recently and now “features” on eLanka as well, especially for our Lankan Aussies (with sub-titles in English), BUT, because I say it like it is, whether it be the Lanka Times, eLanka, or any-bloody-body else, please do not watch this if you are feeling a bit down in the dumps.

     For a start, “oba nathuwa”, is pessimistic. it should have been the other way around. Not only that, but, at the same time, I now intend writing a song with, what I think, is a beautiful “title” for one, namely ” WITH YOU, OR, WITHOUT YOU” (there you go, my copyright for it).

The Sinhala video-movie should have been suitably named “THE PAWN-SHOP BLUES” (now I might write a song with that title too, especially for those pawn-shop video-makers who make movies such as these.

     The “female-lead” in the Sinhala video, rather pretty, long dark hair, sedate, hardly saying more than two words (in Sinhala) while handing pieces of jewellery to her leading man, a pawn-shop owner/manager. He looks at her through the counter-bars of his shop, evaluates each piece of jewellry and hands her some cash. Already, it is very sad. She keeps coming in, he keeps looking at her & falls in love with her, chases her all over the place on his motor-bike, and at a bus-halt,  asks her to marry him. She neither says “yes” or “no”, which is still very sad, but her “servant” I think it was, gave him the good news that her “Nona”(lady) LIKED him & would he take care of her? . So far, talking about the rubbish, filthy words & inuendo produced in our Western films, at the moment, only about 18 words have been spoken in this one.

     Suddenly, they are married, & the first honeymoon night is really something to talk about. He wakes up, fully clothed in his pyjama-suit, looks around at the empty pillow next to him, sniffs her aroma on it, gets up and goes to the kitchen, where she has already made his breakfast and SERVES IT TO HIM.!!. (Where did we Burgher-Buggers go wrong? ), I wonder.
     That “first-night” must have been very good, because the girl who hardly spoke at all is now dancing and singing as she & her mother or servant, I am not sure which, are preparing the dining-table for him, again. They say that a man is happiest on a full stomach & this was the “happy” part of the film.

     On purpose, I am not going to tell my good readers any more, except, don’t watch it if you are feeling sad.
Switch onto “Vinoda-Samaya” instead, and watch some really superb old “Sinhala-Comedy” with Bertie, Annesley & Samuel, comedy that is naturally so good, certain “skits” could be watched over & over again. If you want a good laugh, these are the guys to watch.

     With you, or without you, I return to “Vinoda Samaya”

Desmond Kelly
Star of eLanka.

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“OUR COCK-EYED WORLD” by Desmond Kelly ‘the Star of eLanka’

A terrible thing to say, I suppose, but it IS a cockeyed (cross-eyed), call it what you “like-eyed” World, we are living in, at the moment. It has GOT to be something in the air. 

Just a short time ago, in this particular season of “Spring”, in Australia, the only ones who had to worry would have been the hay-fever sufferers. Bushels of pollen, floating in the air, would now be preferable to the “bull-dust” flying around, at the moment, in Australia. In Lanka, it would be powdered, dried “Cow-dung”.

A “hole” in the o-zone layer around Earth, has suddenly become a hole blasted into the sun!.How anything got close enough to the sun, to blast a hole in it, is anybody’s guess.

Maybe “Google” did it. They can do anything, I believe.

Besides this, if there IS a big hole in the sun, we would not have to worry about “climate-change”, would we ?. It would immediately become “colder”, the “ice-bergs” would begin to reform, our “Ship-Captains” would have to be extra-vigilant in order to prevent possible collisions & carry MANY MORE Life-boats to save more passengers than did the “Titanic”.

World War 3 is about to commence, next week.! It’s Beginning to look a lot like Christmas, an old Xmas-type song, & our favourite “Rocket-Men” are getting their crazy

“fireworks” ready to show the World, who’s boss. This “War” has been “in the making” now, for about 3 YEARS !. The mere fact that this 3rd World War may NEVER start is the only good thing about all the rubbish that is now going on.!

If it does, however, please remember, all you thousands of 

eLanka readers, that I, the * of our main Website, have given you prior warning. If you DO hear any “Howling-Siren” sounding off,suddenly, for no friggin reason whatsoever, as far as you are concerned, grab the first “dining-table” CHAIR available, sit on it, leaning as far forward & under it, as humanly possible, and then kiss your arse goodbye. I am truly sorry, but this will be much easier to do if you are a contorsionist, (as the beautiful “plastic-girl” Lily Jenkins,was, or, like me, you have “Ankylosin Spondylitis” which is a slow deterioration of the spinal-cord. Don’t say that I didn’t tell you, because, if this bloody war starts, I will not be able to write you any more warnings & you will not be able to read them, either.! We will all be joining our mates like a certain Aussie Cardinal in Hell, oops, I mean’t Heaven(hopefully),

Another extremely good prospect for Australia, is that, in the near future, NO-ONE will be able to start a Government.

There will be “hung-Parliments” hanging around, all over the place, because nobody will know whether they are “dual” Citizens, or even perhaps, “triple” Citizens, Constitutions will all have to be re-written, laws & “Courtrooms” handed over completely to the convicted criminals in order that they could further criminalize & victimize their own victims of crime.Right now, these poor “Crims” are the “victims, “& deserve much longer “stays” in our 4-star prisons, so that they can be re-habilitated, go out on early parole, simply to re-offend so that they can go back to their “hotel-room”.

“Junior” crime is on the mend. The crims are getting younger each year, leaving home & family so they can do their “own thing”, go out & bash these pesky old-timers & steal their handbags directly from their wheelchairs which are a real menace on our public Streets. The way to go, I say. I would like to write much more, but sarcasm has always been a “weak-point”, as far as I am concerned.

     However, leaving aside the “topics” mentioned so far, the “SQUINT” gets even worse as I go along. Long, long before Einstine or Winestein or whatever his name was, we have to remember the Aussie-Entertainer who had three (3) legs. He wasn’t shy about showing-off all three of them, but here”s the rub.!  When he was “seated”, as he was, quite often, just as a famous “garden-guru” of our “latest” breaking news was, why did certain young ladies choose to sit on the knees of these very bad men ?. Why did sooo many pretty young “wannabe-actresses” go to bed with their “Producers, Directors, & other “Studio big-shots”, practically from the time they started making movies ?. WHY ?, you ask. Well, let me tell you. These poor girls were soo tired, chasing after these horrid men, they just had to get some sleep, thats why

The men joined them & stopped them from getting their ” beauty-sleep & to make up for it, promised them either “leading roles” or “bit-parts” depending on whose “sleep” they had so rudely broken. Movies were made, Parts were played, years went by, no complaints made, decades later, out they come, sexual ‘harrasment’ is in the gun. “We’re now getting older,”these pretty girls say, “so now, let’s harrass THEM & get OUR WAY”!!. Feminism is alive & well.

Back to the “Rocket-men” for the final time, before I go onto the ultimate story in this “cockeyed article”. Just watching the morning news on the A.B.C., (even as I write this), we are told that another rocket has been “fired”by “kaata kiyanda the bung”(translation:- “who to tell, men”?), & the President of the U.S.A., answers with another “grump” that he will take care of it. The cockeyed fact of the matter is that, as long as these missiles “go up” 20.000 kilometres or so, break-up & fall into the sea near Japan, why worry about them ?. For the broken bits that stay up-there, “old Blighty” is in the process of sending “up” another rocket with a “debris-cleaning thing-a-ma-bob to capture & destroy all the space-junk around this cockeyed Planet of ours. We can now “put -on a “serious face” because Britain now rules all our “Space”

   Sorry readers, I am now getting cockeyed trying to remember what my “final-subject” is, oh, yes, it is about the fact that the same-sex marriage legislation is about to be “passed” before Christmas, this year. Now, for the best new cockeyed news for 2018. This young guy, with his pretty young wife & two young children are walking along a busy Street in Melbourne. He wanted to do this around xmas/17, but felt rather odd about it, & he was so right. As he & his family passed the homes in Suburbia, he could “feel” the sniggers & almost hear the whispers of the people. “Look, look”, they said, in unison (I think), “doesn’t that young man look rather queer”. So much for our cockeyed World for the moment. As I say quite often, please excuse any typo–errors. I tend to write most of my stuff during the early hours of the morning, completely off the top of my cockeyed head & “mistakes” are sometimes made, because of it. Also, although my “English” is pretty good, most times, I do make some quier speling misstakes at od times, so if my readers “see something” please make a bloody comment. Do join us on eLanka, doesn’t matter if you’re gay, bi-sexual,  trans-sexual , or, on the other hand, even “queer”,

Join us to learn a bit more about “OUR COCKEYED WORLD”


Desmond Kelly

Star of eLanka.

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“GAMBLE RESPONSIBLY” by Desmond Kelly ‘the Star of eLanka’

Except for Politicians, Mining Magnates, C.E.Os, Bank Managers, Casino-Owners, Plumbers & Electricians, most “ordinary Australians” pay their taxes, work long, tiring shifts & still find it difficult to ” manage” comfortably. Nearly everyone though, has a television set, watched whenever possible. Most Aussies & Lankan/Aussies who I know, are gamblers anyway. Watching television nowadays (especially), hardly a few minutes pass, when the above advice comes into view, after the rest of the narrative tells you how much & how easily you could win big money.

     Every day of the week, you can win big money at the Casinos. Every day of the week, there would be a horse-race somewhere & provided the jockey was “light” enough and the horse “fast” enough, again, you could win big money. I don’t gamble too much, but the last horse I had a bet on, at 20-1, came in, at a quarter past 4. Then, forget about the horses, there are always the “grey-hound” racing tracks where, sometimes, “live bait” is used for the hounds to tear up, & if the horses or dogs is not your game, there are “chook-fights” where live roosters tear each other up with their sharp claws, or, unless you wish to go to Spain to watch the bull-fights, where brave matadors stab most bulls to death, maybe one of them (matadors) gets a horn up his arse & is tossed out of the ring, if you are not into any of this, there are always crab or cockroach races where you can win big money, betting on the winner.

     I do feel that someone ought to advertise relevant advice on HOW to gamble responsibly. I am willing to BET that no-one has enough money to “advertise extensively” so I will take it upon myself to advise my readers & Lankan/Aussies everywhere the BEST way they can SAVE MONEY in gambling.
1. Use your bloody WILL-power & say I WON’T gamble. This will be easy enough to do AFTER you’ve LOST money you can ill-afford. Make up your mind to keep $10o r 20 (maximum) per week, from your pay, the pension or dole, for small, affordable bets. If you lose that amount, leave it AT THAT.

  1. If you win something, leave that money in a separate account & use that money ONLY for gambling. DO NOT exceed $20,EVER per week no matter how much your winnings are.

     Chances are that you will not be a “winner” short or long term, but, at least, you will not have to borrow money to feed your family. If you are a “winner”, you will still have some money to indulge in your passion for gambling. This said, I still feel that the Government, thru the department authorised, to veto exaggerated “gambling advertising” on television. It certainly does not enhance the lives of the people involved and if anything, tempts weak-minded folk into still another bad habit. 

     Just in case any reader wants to tell me, “o.k., o.k., practise what you preach, Des., I will tell you this.

Yes, folks, I did it all, BUT, as a much younger bloke. 

I started “smoking” at about fifteen, no money to buy the “fags”, but happily joined my good friend David Swan, smoking expensive Ardath, Black & White & Capstan Navy Cut cigarettes that David pinched from the “tins” belonging to his dad, Judge St.Claire Swan. Started there, & continued this rotten habit for many many years. 

Started another bad habit of “drinking” & drinking hard, after joining the Royal Ceylon Navy. Started “chasing” PRETTY wild women” also quite early in life & GAMBLING, whenever I had a bit of spare money from the “drinking” simply to buy a few “presents” for one or two wild women I was dating at the time, until I met my “wife”, after which I had to STOP two bad habits (gambling & chasing), in one hit. I kept smoking & drinking even after arriving in Australia in 1962 but DID use my will-power and stopped both drinking & smoking overnight, nearly 30 years ago. I don’t touch either, now, don’t gamble because I cannot afford to, & cannot chase ANY WOMEN now, because at 81, I couldn’t do it, even if I wanted to. So, there you are folks, the bad, ugly & good, in my case, and if I could do it, I guess anyone CAN.

Desmond Kelly
Star of eLanka.

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“TOO MUCH OF ANYTHING” by Desmond Kelly ‘the Star of eLanka’

English phrases that are rapidly becoming extinct, because of this very reason. Too much of this new-fangled “Internet”. Too much of “Cyber-Commotion”, too much of iphones, earphones, headphones, tele-phones which are no more, now, of course. Too much concentration on tiny internet computers”, where once, there were humoungous “machines”lining walls of “offices” everywhere,
that kept us in touch with the World (and THAT wasn’t too long ago), too many CHILDREN nowadays, depending far too much on little “contraptions” that they carry around with them, everywhere. These children are going to be the “ADULTS” in a World that seems to be regressing, rather than progressing, simply because WE, present adults, cannot seem to understand how to point them in the right direction. Too much of giving-in to their “whims & fancies”, with far too little discipline, BECAUSE, too much of anything
STARTS with the young people of today.

Schools, Colleges, Universities & facilities such as these CANNOT be expected to do EVERYTHING. Teachers & Professors will do their best to impart whatever knowledge might be necessary for their students, but the LEARNING starts AT HOME. Unfortunately, nowadays, both parents have to “work”to keep the “food on the table” & because of this, time spent with their children is at a minimum. However, whatever time IS available should be spent by parents, heterosexual or homosexual, using the necessary discipline (stop them using their iphones when talking with you,for example), to TEACH them the facts of life.

By that, I don’t mean facts of life sexually. Today’s children seem to be able to teach their parents about the “birds & bees”. What I mean is, let them learn their Maths, Algebra, Geometry, Science, all that stuff, at School. Teach them how to live a good, honest LIFE, at “HOME”. This is where they start out. THIS is where the discipline MUST start. OUTSIDE HOME, IS YOUR LIFE. Learn to “do unto others as you would, they do unto you”. Children don’t ask to be born. YOU, the parents are responsible for them & don’t ever forget it.
Wherever possible, I endeavour to “prove my point” with a song, so here goes, as far as the above are concerned. ” Don’t take your guns to town”, talks about a mother telling her young son Bill to leave his guns at home. “Don’t take your guns to town Bill, leave your guns at home, son, don’t take your guns to town”.
So what does young Bill do? , he laughs at her, tells her that he is old enough & can shoot as fast & as straight as anyone, goes out to a bar & dies in a gunfight with an older, more experienced gunfighter.
As he lies dying on the floor, his mother’s final words to him, come to mind. “Don’t take your guns to town”.
As another shining example, ABE was no MUG. However, 37 years at the helm of his “boat” was certainly “too much of anything”, there was not much left to “take” , so, just like the guy who let everything slip under the “watergate”, he decided to slip impeachment proceedings and resigned. As I said, ABE was no MUG, He was the “Alligator” who has handed over to the “Crocodile”. What a bunch of reptiles.!
If you “have enough”, “don’t huff & don’t puff”
Just leave some of your “extras” at bay
The “saying’s” not new, everyone, me & you
Has to “cark” it quite soon, anyway
I am not being bold, though I’m now getting old
This advice I give freely, is something
Too much of whatever you’ve got, or will have
Is certainly “TOO GOOD FOR NOTHING”!

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