PROBLEMS WITH PILES
by Des Kelly “the Star of eLanka”
This writer has heard everything now!. As a former Lead/Rhythm guitarist, over the years, I’ve lost them, had trouble with them, they were either too big or too small, too stiff or too soft, found it very difficult to get one that was “just right”& for my readers who are not musicians, I am talking about “plectrums” or “picks”.
These were little pieces of plastic held between thumb and forefinger in order to “pluck” the steel strings to make them more audible to the audience. Sounds extremely “technical” does’nt it? Expert guitarists did’nt need plectrums. They used their fingernails to do the job but I was just an average instrumentalist and have used bloody dozens if the “things”(picks, I mean).
What has plectrums got to do with “piles” Des? .
Stick to the bloody subject! .My humble apologies folks, piles is part of a “cryptic anagram” of “rectums”where “piles” generally occur. If I am getting too technical, please don’t get your piles out. I may not be an expert guitarist but being a “poet with piles”, may I say that plectrums rhyme with rectums, so there!
Piles generally make one annoyed or irritable, sometimes both. While I get the chance to do this, let me inform my readers that SOMETIMES there MIGHT be, what we journos term, little “typho-errors” in articles we write. We DO NOT do them on purpose, so please excuse these errors and read on. For instance, in my “History repeats itself” story I go from ancient to “MIDERN” Ceylon, and then annoying person that I am, I typed in the full name of the Lord Buddha correctly but then got the last two letters mixed up to read BUDDAH.
I get very annoyed with myself regarding these problems, in fact, I’ve got my piles out now, reading about them, but let’s keep “on-going,” also should be corrected to “going on” BUT, in Australia, the Aussies at a meeting would be heard to say “and now, let us all be “up-standing” instead of simply saying STAND UP!” Of course, all of us Lankans (with the possible exception of one or three) are upstanding anyway, but is’nt this ENGLISH a strange bloody, peculier language?. The Australians use their favourite adjective in the middle of a sentence and I bloody like it like that too, thats why I bloody use it in this manner (pardon the expression).
This was from an ex-Royal Ceylon Navy buddy of mine
To get down to it, WHY he sent this e’mail to me &
a few more people, ONLY, I have no idea, This is supposed to be a DAY, celebrated World-wide and yet, I knew nothing about it until I got this revealing e’mail.
“WORLD PILES DAY”
TODAY IS WORLD PILES DAY.
GET YOURSELF CHECKED.
IF YOU DON’T HAVE PILES
CELEBRATE FOR BEING
A “PERFECT ASS-HOLE”
IF YOU DO HAVE THEM (PILES)
CELEBRATE FOR JUST BEING
“A PAIN IN THE ASS”!
Was he trying to tell me something!?
Desmond Kelly. (STAR OF E*LANKA).
