eLanka Funnies & Comedy – Words of Wisdom by Phyllis Diller

eLanka Funnies & Comedy – Words of Wisdom by Phyllis Diller

eLanka_comedy

 LINES FROM THE PAST

Not sure who to offend so I chose lucky you 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY”. And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai Brothel!

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay”  as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.  So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got   downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”   
“Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”   
“That’s a disgrace,”   said the priest,” especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”  

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

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Jokes – Sri Lankan’s rule ok?

Mathematician asks:  How to write 4 in between a 5? 

China man replied: Is this a Joke?

Japan man exclaimed: Impossible! 

American man said: The question’s wrong!!

British man snorted: Rubbish !!

Sri Lankan  man wrote:  F(IV)E

This is the reason you find Sri Lankan  everywhere in the world in finance, business, medicine, engineering & arts..anything to do with optimising your brain!!

British: Can u swim? 

Sri Lankan : No.

British:  Then a dog is better than u because it can swim. 

Sri Lankan : Can u swim? 

British: Yes! 

Sri Lankan : Then what’s the difference between u & the dog? 

British shocked, faints!!

Sri Lankan  Rocks!   

European : Why do all Sri Lankan ☻come in different colors?Look at us, we are all white.  

Sri Lankan : Horses too come in different colors but donkeys are all the same!!! 

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 Marriage

Marriage

Marriage

Marriage

Marriage

Marriage

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At  last, confirmation of ‘Murphy’s Law’ with a wonderful Irish explanation:

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor,  and lo behold…..and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks own in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of the universe that buttered toast 
ALWAYS ls butter-down. So he rushes round to the Parish to fetch Father  Flanagan. He tells the Priest that a miracle has occurred in his  kitchen. He won’t say what it is, but asks Fr. Flanagan to come and  see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and  asks him what he sees on the floor.  
“Well,” says he Priest, “it’s  pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor  and then, for some reason, hey flipped it over so that the butter was  on top.”“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!”  exclaimed Murphy.  “Oh my Lord,” says Fr. Flanagan, “Dropped toast  never falls with the butter side up.  
It’s a miracle… but wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.  I’ll have to report this matter 
to the Bishop, and, he’ll have to deal with it.  He’ll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the Archdiocese but by scientists 
sent over from the Curia in Rome.  No expense is spared.  
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It  is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, 
quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet  the Holy See must be 
very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.”
“Unfortunately, in this case, it  has been declared ‘No Miracle’, because they think  . . .

Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”

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ABBOTT AND COSTELLO’S ‘WHO’S BEEN VACCINATED? 

Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’

Lou: ‘Why not?’

Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’

Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’

Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’

Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’

Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’

Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’

Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’

Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’

Bud: ‘Yes.’

Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’

Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’

Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’

Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’

Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’

Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’

Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’

Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’

Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’

Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’

Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.

Bud: ‘Ok.’

Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’

Bud: ‘That’s right.’

Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’

Bud: ‘Certainly.’

Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’

Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’

Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’

Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’

Lou: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’

Bud: ‘That’s fine.’

Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’

Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’

Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’

Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’

Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’

Bud: ‘I know.’

Lou: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ….

If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’

Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’

Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’

Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’

Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’

Bud: ‘Correct.’

Lou: ‘Why not?’

Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’

Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’

Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’

Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’

Bud: ‘Yes,

BARTENDER JOKE

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’

The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides

If you don’t laugh

At this one, then you’ve got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!

(‘.’)

<))>

_/\_

 

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An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan®

sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man,

“If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,

will you give me a calf?”

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at

his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer,

connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA

page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact

fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that

scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and

exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ……

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the

image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an

MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet

with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives

a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,

miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, “You

have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, you’ll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then,

since you won it fair en square.” says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and

looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it

into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy

says, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come

from, will you give me back my calf?”


The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled

up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins

and then says, “Okay, old fella, why not? I’m a believer in fair play.”

You’re a politician & you work in Canberra.” says the old timer..

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but, tell me how on earth

did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered Billy “You showed up here even

though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already

knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of

equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and

you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living –

or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

 

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Growing Older















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Old Red Indian story

Love this one 😂😂😂😂

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was ‘Onestone’.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, ‘
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them! ‘

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name from him until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
He made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird would not die!

Why ???

OH, come on … Take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this !!!

Everyone knows ..

You can’t kill Two Birds

With
OneStone !! 😂😂😂😂😂

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Newspaper Headlines or cartoon page?

Let’s never get rid of newspapers – we need the laughs!























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Irish Confession:

“I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

“Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.


“On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


“When the priest came in, I said to him,’Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.’”

He replied, “Patrick, you moron, you’re on my side.”

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

“Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins.” shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”


Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off.” She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO:

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.


She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.”


With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”


As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.


The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,”What did she roll?”


The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching the dice.”


MORAL OF THE STORY:


Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men….are men.

___________________________

Mick says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”


Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid bastards, because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”
______________________________

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy”, he tells the vet.


Vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”.


Mick says, “Well wait now, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

_____________________

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,

‘Not guilty.’


‘That’s grand!’ shouted Reilly. ‘Does that mean I can keep the money?’

______________________________

A tourist asks an Irishman: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

To which the Irishman replies: “Well if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat.”

______________________________

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
______________________________

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, ‘Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?’

‘No,’ said himself, ‘but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.’
______________________________

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home.
______________________________

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. ‘Quick!’ he said. ‘Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!’

‘Tell me, is this her first baby?’ the intern asked.

‘No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.’
______________________________

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs???

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JOKES for the Day

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”  the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know, “explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

2. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”  The boy thought it over and said,  “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Troy, come in or stay out!'”

3. One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in  his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”  The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.  “I can’t dear,” she said.  “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:  “The big sissy.”

4. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty  dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?”
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

5. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy,  you are getting fat!”
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.”
“I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

7.  A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,

“What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the  farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said,
“I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
 

 

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

10. A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”
Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.  She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”
She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.”

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Ear Infections

This is so true!   They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.
The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’
The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’
‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter… 

Mess with seniors, and you’re going to lose.

 

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*Interesting bit for English lovers*

Once Ishwarchandra Vidyasagar, Bengali poet and scholar, jokingly asked Michael Madhusudhan Dutt, an Anglophile poet of great repute;

“As you are a Master in English, can you make a sentence without using a single  ‘E’?”

Dutt, the genius,  wrote this:

“I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It’s not worth it.”_

Absolutely brilliant!

 

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Rags to Riches – I love a success story, beats all the doom and gloom around today! – A Good Heart-warming Story

eLanka_comedy

Source:Reddit

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?” The man answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?” The shoe guy replies,  “I have millions in your bank,” he says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.” “What’s your name? ” asked the executive. John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department;  Do we have  a client named John H. Smith? “Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, “he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account.”

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life.  I am sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. “We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer.  I invited him here to tell us the story of his life.  I am sure we can learn from him.” Mr. Smith began his story.

“I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name.  I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.  Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.

When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.  I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients.

I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars.”

 

 

 

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This is a good compilation of risque jokes to offend the woke community. Sent by a friend. ….. *Adult content  !!!*

*Men’s Pearls of Wisdom*       

  1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I don’t remember, what I chose.
  2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
  3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
  4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…
  5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
  6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
  7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
  8. Virginity can be cured.
  9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
  10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
  12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
  13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?

      A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

  1. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing……
  2. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?

           A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t

  1. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

           A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

  1. Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives..!!”
  2. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time.

Send to the men with a good sense of humour and women who need a good laugh….

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Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

 

One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’

The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out

It’s probably just your Dad…’ 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color

of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said,

‘So why is the groom wearing black?’

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

An elderly woman died last month.

Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,

‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’

He answered, ‘Call for backup.’ 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a babysitter.’ 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,

‘Thou shall not kill.’ 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’

Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’ 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old..

You grow old because you stop laughing!

Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

I thought you would enjoy this….times are tough

right now…for all of us…so we need something to make the day a happy place.

“They” haven’t found a way to tax you for laughing yet!!

 

Farmer’s grace before breakfast

A while back I read a story of a visiting pastor who attended a men’s breakfast in the middle of a rural farming area in this country.

The group had asked an older farmer, decked out in bib overalls, to say grace for the morning breakfast :

“Lord, I hate buttermilk,” the farmer began. The visiting pastor opened one eye to glance at the farmer and wonder where this was going.

The farmer loudly proclaimed, “Lord, I hate lard.” Now the pastor was growing concerned.

Without missing a beat, the farmer continued, “And Lord, you know I don’t much care for raw white flour.”

The pastor once again opened an eye to glance around the room and saw that he wasn’t the only one to feel uncomfortable.

Then the farmer quickly added,

“But Lord, when you mix them all together and bake them, I do love warm fresh biscuits.

So Lord, when things come up that we don’t like, when life gets hard, when we don’t understand what you’re saying to us, help us to just relax and wait until you are done mixing. It will probably be even better than biscuits. Amen.”

Within that prayer there is great wisdom for all when it comes to complicated situations like we are experiencing in the world today.

Stay strong my friends, because our life is being mixed with lots of things that we don’t care for……relax and wait until the mixing is done….especially with more knowledgeable, caring and experienced hands…………….

Jack, the Newfie

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack , being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.

But, all of Jack’s neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.


After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: “You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic.”


Jack’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.


There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish.

 

This will make you smile!

A little girl walked to and from school daily.

Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school.

She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child’s school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along. 

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. More lightning followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, “What are you doing?”

The child answered, “I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.”

 

==============================================================================================

 DO NOT SCROLL DOWN TILL YOU HAVE ANSWERED ALL QUESTIONS

NEW  EXAM FOR SENIORS

You only need 4 correct out of 10 to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ….

=>

=>

=>

=>

=>

=>

=>

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?       116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?     Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?     Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?        November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?             Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?      Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name?      Albert

8 ) What color is a purple finch?       Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?          New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?

 Me, too! 

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

Pass this on to your brilliant friends.

Tintin in Sri Lanka




================================================================================================

Funny prank by priest and nun on church members

Which Jesus Are You? | Just For Laughs Gags

============================================================================================

1.  My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned  

Couldn’t concentrate .

 

2.  Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it,

so they gave me the axe .

 

3.  After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it, mainly because

it was a sew-sew job.

 

4.  Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

 

5.  Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.

 

6.  Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it…. I couldn’t cut the mustard.

 

7.  My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found  I wasn’t noteworthy.

 

8.  I studied a long time to become a Doctor,  but didn’t have any patience

 

9.  Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. 

Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.  

 

10.  I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

11.  Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining. 

 

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

 

13.  After many years of trying to find steady work , I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it. 


14.  My last job was working in Starbucks,  but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.  


15  SO, I TRIED

RETIREMENT

AND I FOUND I’M

PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

=============================================================================================

Enjoy these fresh two-liners with some genuine observations:-

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: 

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much:

Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.

So what? Who’s in a hurry?

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix.

Never drink and derive

One nice thing about egoists:

They don’t talk about other people.

 Brilliant Puns: 

  1. A man who wants a pretty nurse, must be patient.
  2. A man who leaps off a cliff, jumps to a conclusion. 
  3. A man running in front of a car, gets tyred; 

And a man running behind a car, gets exhausted. 

  1. War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
  2. A man who drives like hell, is bound to get there.
  3. A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger wood!
  4. Toilets are a great place to think. No wonder they are called “Sochalayas”..

================================================================================================

Threat to Anti-Gay Nations !!

================================================================================================

THE  CHINESE  PROFESSOR  IN  KATUNAYAKE

A Chinese professor after his  tour  in  Colombo  took a taxi to  the  Airport.

On his way,  seeing a bus go  by, he told the taxi driver, that in Colombo Buses run very slow.  In China Buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese professor told the driver, that the trains also run very slow in  Colombo.  In China trains run very fast.

Throughout the journey he complained to the driver disparaging Colombo.  However, the taxi driver kept mum throughout the journey.

When the Chinese  professor  reached his destination, he asked the driver what  the  Taximeter reading was.  The taxi driver replied it is Rs.10,000/-

The Chinese  professor  was shell shocked  and  shouted “are you  joking?  in your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow.  How come the meter alone runs fast?”

To this the taxi driver replied calmly,  “ SIR,   THE METER IS MADE IN CHINA”  !!!!

================================================================================================

*HOW ENGLISH AND ENGLISHMEN MAKE FUN OF EACH OTHER*

*Enjoy the fun & the pun.*

*Q: Can February March?*

*A: No. But April May!*

*Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?*

*A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!*

*Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?*

*A: I better not tell you, it might spread!*

*Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?*

*A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?*

*Q: Music Teacher: What’s your favourite musical instrument?*

*A: Kid: The lunch bell!*

*Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?*

*A: You’re pointless!*

*Q: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad?*

*A: Transparents!*

*Q: What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?*

*A: A Barbercue!*

*Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal*

*A: A cereal killer!*

*Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry?*

*A: Urgent Tina!*

*Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?*

*A: A heavy discussion!*

*Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?*

*A: Nostalgia!*

*Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?*

*A: Thunderwear!*

*Q: What’s easy to get into but hard to get out of?*

*A: Trouble!

*Q: Where do boats go to when they get sick?*

*A: The dock!*

*Q: Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?*

*A: A Mer-Maid!*

*Q: Why can’t a leopard hide?*

*A: Because he’s always spotted!*

*Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?*

*A: Because then it would be a foot!*

*Q: Why did the barber win the race?*

*A: Because he took a short cut!*

*Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?*

*A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!*

*Q: Why did the tomato turn red?*

*A: It saw the salad dressing!*

*Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?*

*A: To get a root canal!*

*Q: Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school?*

*A: Because they’re all in High School!*

*Q: Why was the maths book sad?*

*A: Because it had too many problems!*

================================================================================================

 Christmas Funnies




















====================================================================================

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

old-couple

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

 

————————————————————————————————————————————-

The Farting Contest.

THE FARTING CONTEST
by
Anon
I’ll tell you a story that is sure
to please,
Of a great farting contest at
Shitton on Pease
Where all the best arses
paraded the field,
To compete in a contest for
various shields.
Some tighten their arses and
fart up the scale,
To compete for a cup and a
gallon of ale.
While others whose arses are
biggest and strongest,
Compete in the section for
loudest and longest.
Now this years event had
drawn quite a large crowd,
And the betting was even on
Mrs. MacLeod.
For it had appeared in the
evening edition,
That this lady’s arse was in
perfect condition.
Now, old Mrs. Jones had a
perfect backside,
Half a forest of hairs with a
wart on each side.
And she fancied her chances
of winning with ease,
Having trained on a diet of
cabbage and peas.
The Vicar arrived and
ascended the stand,
And thus he addressed this
remarkable band.
“The contest is on as is shown
in the bills,
We’ve precluded the use of
injections and pills.”
Mrs. Bindle arrived amid roars
of applause,
And promptly proceeded to
pull off her drawers,
For though she’d no chance in
the farting display,
She’d the prettiest bottom
you’d see this day.
Now, young Mrs. Pothole was
backed for a place,
Though she’d often been
placed in the deepest disgrace
By dropping a fart that had
beaten the organ,
And the poor Vicar, old
Jonathon Morgan.
The ladies lined up at the
signal to start,
And winning the toss, Mrs.
Jones took first fart
The people around stood in
silence and wonder,
While her wireless announced
gale warnings and thunder.
Now, Mrs. MacLeod reckoned
nothing of this,
She’d had some weak tea and
was all wind and pride.
So she took up her place and
her arse opened wide,
But unluckily shit… and was
disqualified.
Then young Mrs. Pothole was
called to the front,
And started by doing a
wonderful stunt.
She took a deep breath and
clenching her hands,
She blew the whole roof off
the popular stands.
That left Mrs. Bindle, who
shyly appeared,
And smiled at the clergy who
lustily cheered.
And though it was reckoned
her chances were small,
She let out a winner,
outfarting them all.
With hands on her hips, she
stood farting alone,
And the crowd stood amazed
at the sweetness of tone.
And the clergy agreed without
hindrance or pause,
And said, ‘First, Mrs. Bindle…
now pull up your drawers!’
But with muscles well tensed
and legs full apart,
She started a final and
glorious fart.
Beginning with ‘Chopin’ and
ending with ‘Wing’
She went right up the scale to
‘God Save the King’.
She went to the rostrum with
maidenly gait,
And took from the panel, a
set of gold plate.
Then she turned to the Vicar
with sweetness sublime
And smilingly said, ‘Come up
and see me some time.

 

—————————————————————————————————————————————

TRUE FACTS OF LIFE
All these are too late for us, just think of an Asset

What is inflation?

Husband:     Earlier you were *36-24-36.*

                    But now you are *48-40-48.*

Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before.

This is INFLATION.

What is Recession?

Interviewer:           What is Recession?

Candidate:            When *”Wine & Women” get replaced by “Water & Wife”, that critical phase of life is called RECESSION  

Liability & Asset difference

A drunken wife is a liability.

But,

A drunken Girl friend is an Asset.

Why have two wives?

A-      Monopoly should be broken.

B-      Competition improves the quality of service.

If you have 1 wife,         she fights with u!

If you have 2 wives        they will fight for you!!

Wonders of marriage

When you are in love,    Wonders happen

But once you get married,

You wonder,                  What happened

Philosophy of marriage

At the beginning,

Every wife treats her husband as GOD

Later, somehow don’t know why…

Alphabets get reversed

Secret married formula

Love One Another—–And if it doesn’t work, bring the last word in the middle.!!!!

 

 

================================================================================

Just to put a smile on your face 
Just to put a smile on your face

Just to put a smile on your face

Just to put a smile on your face

Just to put a smile on your face

Just to put a smile on your face

Just to put a smile on your face

Just to put a smile on your face

Just to put a smile on your face

Just to put a smile on your face

Just to put a smile on your face

Just to put a smile on your face

Just to put a smile on your face

 

 

================================================================================

 

THE BEST SL HUMOR IN A LONG WHILE.. 

Wife: Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband: First make it, we will name it later

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife..
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting

A MARRIED MAN’S PRAYER:
Dear God, You gave me childhood, you took it away
You gave me youth, you took it away.
You gave me a wife … It’s been years now, just reminding You.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I’m still in my pyjamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the hell did you bring him home?”
Husband answers: “Because he’s thinking of getting married”

EMPLOYEE: SIR, You are like a lion in the office! What about at home???
Boss: I am a lion at home too, but there we have a lion tamer!!!

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant As the food was
served, the husband said, “the food looks delicious, let’s eat.”

Wife: honey … you say a prayer before eating at home
Husband: that’s at home sweetheart … here the chef knows how to cook.

Best Slogan on a MAN’s T-Shirt:
“Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am married and already very disturbed”

===============================================================================

 

How times have changed !

How times have changed

How times have changed

How times have changed

How times have changed

How times have changed

How times have changed

How times have changed

How times have changed

How times have changed

==================================================================

 

Current events!

Current events

Current events

Current events

Current events

Current events

Current events

Current events

 

======================================================================

The Real Effect of Covid 19 on small business

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few more local businesses around town 

The bra manufacturer has gone bust.

The specialist in submersibles has gone under.      

The manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

The tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road.

The bread Company has run out of dough.

 The clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo.

The Chinese has been taken away.

The shoe shop has had to put their foot down and given their staff the boot.

The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners!

The pet shop has gone to the dogs.

The butcher has had the chop

The venetian blind shop has closed, so it’s curtains for us all

The wall paper shop has taken a pasting.

The wool shop has been fleeced!

The florists are now pushing up the daisies.

The fish n chip shop has been battered.

 The milkman’s lost his bottle and finally,

The bread man is toast.

Groan!!

===========================================================================

Corona Humour

  1. Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday!
  2. Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it again?… I think it has a virus …
  3. Just asked a 6 year old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.
  4. On the bright side, I am no longer calling this shelter-in-place. I am an artist-in-residence.
  5. After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
  6. Where is your next travel destination?

– Las Kitchenas

– Los Lounges

– Santa Bedroomes

– Porto Gardenas

– Los Bed

– Costa del Balconia

– St Bathroom

– La Rotonda de Sofa

  1. You’re not stuck at home, you’re safe at home. One word can change your attitude and one cough can change your life.
  2. Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about car rides.
  3. If you thought toilet paper was crazy … just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.
  4. 2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.
  5. Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.
  6. If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
  7. This cleaning with alcohol is total B.S. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
  8. Kinda’ starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.
  9. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
  10. You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers….
  11. Homeschooling Day #3: they all graduated. #Done.
  12. Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
  13. My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world!
  14. I miss the days when we were terrified of Romaine lettuce. Ahh, the good times….
  15. I swear my fridge just said: “Not you again—what do you want now?”
  16. Whoever owes you money, go to his house now. He should be home. And he’ll give you Covid-19 as interest to boot!

=================================================

Elephant goes home

=================================================

 

Yet another little “collection” of comedy quotes by the famous Comedienne Phyllis Diller who died on the 20th of August 2012, aged 95. Her “comedy capers” were in the same vein as that of Lucille Ball. They were both very funny ladies, on stage, of course, but provided the World with real comedic material that will always be enjoyed.

     This comes to me via Harry de Sayrah & Keith Bennett, who must be commended for trying to get our minds off all the unfortunate happenings in Sri Lanka at the moment.

Thank you, Harry & Keith. 

        Desmond Kelly.

       (Editor-in-Chief)– eLanka.

 

=================================================

 

HANDY MAN…

 

Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:

“WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON’T OPEN”…

              Husband texts back

“GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER”…

              Wife texts back 5 minutes later:                    .

“LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW.”

 

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. 

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. 

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don’t do me justice, they just look like me.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – Keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. 

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