eLanka Funnies & Comedy – Words of Wisdom by Phyllis Diller
How times have changed !
The Real Effect of Covid 19 on small business
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few more local businesses around town
The bra manufacturer has gone bust.
The specialist in submersibles has gone under.
The manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.
The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.
The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.
The tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road.
The bread Company has run out of dough.
The clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo.
The Chinese has been taken away.
The shoe shop has had to put their foot down and given their staff the boot.
The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners!
The pet shop has gone to the dogs.
The butcher has had the chop
The venetian blind shop has closed, so it’s curtains for us all
The wall paper shop has taken a pasting.
The wool shop has been fleeced!
The florists are now pushing up the daisies.
The fish n chip shop has been battered.
The milkman’s lost his bottle and finally,
The bread man is toast.
- Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday!
- Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it again?… I think it has a virus …
- Just asked a 6 year old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.
- On the bright side, I am no longer calling this shelter-in-place. I am an artist-in-residence.
- After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
- Where is your next travel destination?
– Las Kitchenas
– Los Lounges
– Santa Bedroomes
– Porto Gardenas
– Los Bed
– Costa del Balconia
– St Bathroom
– La Rotonda de Sofa
- You’re not stuck at home, you’re safe at home. One word can change your attitude and one cough can change your life.
- Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about car rides.
- If you thought toilet paper was crazy … just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.
- 2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.
- Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.
- If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
- This cleaning with alcohol is total B.S. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
- Kinda’ starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.
- Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
- You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers….
- Homeschooling Day #3: they all graduated. #Done.
- Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
- My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world!
- I miss the days when we were terrified of Romaine lettuce. Ahh, the good times….
- I swear my fridge just said: “Not you again—what do you want now?”
- Whoever owes you money, go to his house now. He should be home. And he’ll give you Covid-19 as interest to boot!
Yet another little “collection” of comedy quotes by the famous Comedienne Phyllis Diller who died on the 20th of August 2012, aged 95. Her “comedy capers” were in the same vein as that of Lucille Ball. They were both very funny ladies, on stage, of course, but provided the World with real comedic material that will always be enjoyed.
This comes to me via Harry de Sayrah & Keith Bennett, who must be commended for trying to get our minds off all the unfortunate happenings in Sri Lanka at the moment.
Thank you, Harry & Keith.
Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:
“WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON’T OPEN”…
Husband texts back
“GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER”…
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: .
“LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW.”
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don’t do me justice, they just look like me.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – Keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.