“FELINE FURORE” – By Des Kelly
This is a bit early, in the brand new decade, and I very seldom even get the chance to peruse various “posts” on Facebook, minutely, but because this one, sent in by the Gentleman whose name has now become famous on the FB Platform, will also be publicised on eLanka, although a tad long, is still a very interesting “fantasy of feline furore” and a piece of humour that I would like to share with many thousands of eLanka members in Australia, plus many more thousands of avid eLanka readers around the world.
Speaking (or writing) personally, after scrolling thru dozens of puerile,silly, and sometimes absolutely stupid jokes & “posts” on FB, it is indeed a pleasure to come across one that can actually make you laugh, (because this is what “jokes” are meant to do), and believe me folks, this one did. Please, do read this from beginning to end, and you will see what I mean. It’s good to start a new day off with a laugh. There is enough misery around the World, as it is.
There has been an ongoing argument for eons about the pets that we have in our homes. Some people consider themselves to be ‘dog people’ and they couldn’t imagine living life without a faithful companion by their side. Other people enjoy the compassion of a feline and all of the benefits that go along with it. Although in either case, you have a loving pet beside you, there are some fundamental differences that need to be considered. One of those comes in the form of providing medication, which is sometimes necessary. One Internet user has now put it all to words and the results are hilarious.
How to Give Your Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paw. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill:
Wrap it in bacon.