“AUSTRALIA, FOR YOU” -by Des Kelly


“AUSTRALIA, FOR YOU” -by Des Kelly

 The Country to which everyone wants to come, it seems, not just to visit, but to make it their “home”. The reason, normally given, is that it is “The lucky Country”, and looking at it from various angles, it certainly is. I am the first to admit, that although I wasn’t too happy about leaving ” My lovely Island Home”, as I call her (Countries & Ships are generally referred to, in the feminine gender), I appreciated the fact that we would soon be calling Australia home.,
     This particular little “story” however, is just about a hitchiker’s guide to this great brown sunburnt Land. I found it interesting enough to pass onto our readers of eLanka, and I feel sure that all of you good people will enjoy it too.
Desmond Kelly
  Desmond Kelly.
         (Editor-in- Chief) eLanka


The following is  by Douglas Adams of “Hitchhiker’s Guide to  the Galaxy”

“Australia is a  very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
Bottom half of the planet.  It is recognizable fro  orbit because of many
Unusual features, including  what at first looks like an enormous bite taken
Out  of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which  plunge into the
Girting sea.  Geologists assure us  that this is simply an accident of
Geomorphology, but  they still call it the “Great Australian Bight”,
Proving that not only are they covering up a  more Frightening theory but
They can’t spell  either.

The first of the confusing things about  Australia is the status of the
Place.  Where  other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified  as
Continent, island or country, Australia is  considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in  this.

The second confusing thing  about Australia is the animals.  They can  be
Divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and  Sheep.  It is true that
Of the 10 most poisonous  arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9  most poisonous
Arachnids, Australia has all of them.  However, there are few snakes,
Possibly because the  spiders have killed them all.

But even the  spiders won’t go near the sea.  Any visitors should  be
Careful to check inside boots (before putting them  on), under toilet seats
(before sitting down) and  generally everywhere else.  A stick is very
Useful for this task.

The last confusing thing  about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short  history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people  arrived in
Boats from the north.  They ate all  the available food, and a lot of them
Died.  The  ones who survived learned respect for the balance  of nature,
man’s proper place in the scheme of  things, and spiders.  They settled in
And spent  a lot of the intervening time making up  strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago,  Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More  accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few  deranged people
In charge.  They tried to plant  their crops in autumn (failing to take
Account of the  reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a  lot of
Them died.

About then the sheep arrived,  and have been treasured ever since.  It is
Interesting to note here that the Europeans always  consider themselves
Vastly superior to any other race  they encounter, since they can lie,
Cheat, steal and  litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say),  whereas
All the Aboriginals can do is happily survive  being left in the middle of a
Vast red-hot desert,  equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of  people stopped being Europeans on ‘extended
Holiday  and became Australians.  The changes are subtle,  but deep, caused
By the mind-stretching expanses of  nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
Person can sit  perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to  the core
Of their essence, their reasons for being, and  the necessity of checking
Inside their boots every  morning for fatal surprises.  They also picked  up
The most finely tuned sense of irony in the world,  and the Aboriginal gift
For making up stories.  Be  warned.

There is also the matter of the  beaches.  Australian beaches are simply the
Nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually  venturing into the
Sea will have to contend with  sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish
Which  sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock  and has
Venomous barbs sticking out of its back that  will kill
Just from the pain) and surfboarders.   However, watching a beach sunset
Is worth the  risk.

As a result of all this  hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would
Expect  Australians to be a dour lot.  Instead, they are  genial, jolly,
Cheerful and always willing to share a  kind word with a stranger.
Faced with insurmountable  odds and impossible problems, they smile
Disarmingly  and look for a stick.  Major engineering feats have  been
Performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string  and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they  seem to be free from the ‘Grass is
Greener on the  other side of the fence’ syndrome, and  roundly proclaim
That Australia is, in fact, the  other side of that fence.
They call the land “Oz” or  “Godzone” (a verbal contraction of “God’s Own



Don’t ever put your hand down a hole  for any reason WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger  than you think, regardless of how strong you think it

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning  is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian  slang unless you are a trained linguist
and extremely  good in a fist fight.

Wear thick  socks.

Take good maps.  Stopping to ask  directions only works when there are
people  nearby

If you leave the urban areas, carry  several litres of water with you at all
times, or you  will die.  And don’t forget a stick.

Even in  the most embellished stories told by Australians, there  is always
a core of truth that it is unwise to  ignore.


They  waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol  discount vouchers
stuffed in their wallet or  purse.

They pronounce Melbourne as  “Melbin”.

They think it makes perfect sense to  decorate highways with large
fibreglass bananas,  prawns and sheep.

They think “Woolloomooloo” is a  perfectly reasonable name for a place, that
“Wagga  Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga”, but “Woy Woy”  can’t be called
Their hamburgers will  contain beetroot.  Apparently it’s a  must-have.
They don’t think it’s summer until the  steering wheel is too hot to handle.
They  believe that all train timetables are works of  fiction.
And they all carry a stick and say “have  a good day mate “

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