“AUSTRALIA, FOR YOU” -by Des Kelly
Desmond Kelly.(Editor-in- Chief) eLanka
The following is by Douglas Adams of “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”
“Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
Bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable fro orbit because of many
Unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken
Out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the
Girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of
Geomorphology, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight”,
Proving that not only are they covering up a more Frightening theory but
They can’t spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
Place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as
Continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be
Divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that
Of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous
Arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes,
Possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won’t go near the sea. Any visitors should be
Careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats
(before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very
Useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in
Boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them
Died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man’s proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in
And spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people
In charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take
Account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is
Interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves
Vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie,
Cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say), whereas
All the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a
Vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on ‘extended
Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused
By the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
Person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core
Of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking
Inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up
The most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift
For making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the
Nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the
Sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish
Which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has
Venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill
Just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset
Is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would
Expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
Cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
Disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been
Performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘Grass is
Greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome, and roundly proclaim
That Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
They call the land “Oz” or “Godzone” (a verbal contraction of “God’s Own
THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT.
TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA
Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist
and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all
times, or you will die. And don’t forget a stick.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always
a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS
They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers
stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as “Melbin”.
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large
fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think “Woolloomooloo” is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that
“Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga”, but “Woy Woy” can’t be called
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it’s a must-have.
They don’t think it’s summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
And they all carry a stick and say “have a good day mate “